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He left behind two kids, a mountain of bills, and a version of me who cried in the shower so no one would hear.
Not great. Not glamorous. Just steady.
My brain felt overcooked.
The afternoon when everything changed, I had spent six hours editing a security guide.
By the time I shut my laptop, my neck hurt, my eyes were burning, and my brain felt overcooked.
I stopped at the grocery store on the way home. Simple mission: pasta, sauce, something green so I could pretend we eat vegetables.
I parked, grabbed a basket, and walked in on autopilot.
The store was its usual mix of humming lights, beeping scanners, and bad music. I drifted to the canned goods aisle and stared at different brands of tomato sauce like there was a wrong answer.
That’s when I heard it.
A sharp, panicked sound behind me. Half-sob, half-gasp. The kind of sound that bypasses your brain and goes straight to your chest.
I turned.
A young woman—early 20s, at most—stood a few feet away. She clutched a tiny newborn wrapped in a blue blanket.
Her skin was paper white. Her eyes were huge. Her breaths came fast, shallow, like she couldn’t get any air in. Her knees kept dipping, like her body was trying to sit down without telling her.
The baby screamed. That high, raw newborn wail that makes everything else fade out.
And a few feet from her, three grown men were laughing.
“Control your brat.”
The second didn’t even look at her. “Some people shouldn’t have kids if they can’t even stand up,” he muttered.
The third snorted. “Relax. She probably wants attention. Drama queens love an audience.”
Heat rushed up my neck.
Not righteous anger at first—shame. Shame that adults talk like that. Shame that no one nearby said a word. Shame that I was just standing there.
Then the girl’s hands started shaking so hard the baby’s head jolted. Her knees buckled again.
I rushed over and held my arms out.
For one horrible second, I thought, She’s going to drop him.
I moved before I even decided to.
I rushed over and held my arms out.
“Hey,” I said quietly. “I’ve got him, okay? Let me help.”
She stared at me, eyes wild. Then her shoulders sagged. She let me take the baby.
The second his weight left her arms, her legs gave out. She slid down the shelf, back hitting metal with a dull thud.
I tucked the baby against my chest, one hand cradling his head. He was hot and tiny and furious. He wailed in my ear.
“Shame on you.”
“Okay, little guy, I’ve got you,” I whispered.
Like someone turned a dial, his screams softened to hiccups, then to little whimpers. His face pressed into my shoulder.
I looked over at the men.
“Shame on you,” I said, louder than I meant. “She’s having a panic attack and you’re mocking her.”
They froze.
One muttered, “Whatever,” and pushed his cart away. The others followed, suddenly fascinated by literally anything else.
“I couldn’t breathe.”
I turned back to the girl.
“Okay,” I said softly. “We’re going to sit, all right?”
She was already on the floor, back against the shelves, shaking so hard her teeth clicked. I kept one arm around her shoulders, the other holding the baby.
“It’s okay,” I murmured. “You’re okay. Just breathe with me. In through your nose, out through your mouth. I’m right here.”
“I couldn’t—” she gasped. “I couldn’t breathe. I thought I was going to drop him. Everything went blurry, and they were laughing and—”
“Hey,” I said, firm but gentle. “You didn’t drop him. You protected him. You came to get what he needs. That’s what a good mom does.”
Tears spilled down her cheeks.
I managed to dial 911 with one thumb.
“Hi,” I told the operator. “I’m at Lincoln Market on Fifth. There’s a young woman having a panic attack. She’s dizzy, shaking, says she can’t breathe. She’s got a newborn. We’re in aisle six. Can you send someone?”
The operator asked a few questions.
“What’s your name?” I asked her gently, after I hung up.
“K-Kayla,” she stammered.
You are doing this alone and you are still here.
“I’m Lena,” I said. “I’ve got two kids. My daughter had panic attacks after my divorce. I know it feels like you’re dying, but you’re not. Your bo dy is just freaking out. It will calm down. You’re safe.”Continue reading…
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